(Written January 1, 2010)
(...Yeah, i'm one of those resolution people. And, frankly, i think you should be too. Hah.)
In the year Twenty-Ten, i will:
Spend less time on the phone/internet and more time outdoors and in books.
Knock out my bucket list.
Drink less. Remember more.
Volunteer my time, at least monthly.
Keep my toenails painted.
Wear more dresses.
Spoil Oz to death.
Visit distant friends.
Laugh more. Stress less.
Slow down.
Live free.
& Seize the moment.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Eggshell Love-Walk
(Written December 28, 2009)
Originally, when i began to gather my feelings on relationships, and love in general, i thought i was writing this for someone. A month later, i realized i had written it for myself. Crazy how people, who are randomly placed in your life, make you get your act together without even knowing it.
I want to share this in the hopes that if someone is, or may (down the line) be in a similar situation, it may comfort them to know they aren't alone.
Since January, i have been a mocker of love. Every relationship i've had has failed (so life goes), and i am in no way a relationship guru. I don't even give people relationship advice unless they beg for it, because that is definitely not my area of expertise.
I believe that love can exist between two unselfish people who genuinely want things to work out. Two people who work on improving who they are for their love, and who work on improving their love itself.
I believe that is very rare.
Not everyone wants to work at it; Hardly anyone wants to talk about problems; And there's no guarantee that even if you "give, give, give" and "try, try, try" the other person will do the same. ...They can change their minds just like they change their clothes, and it happens all the time.
For, i'd say, this entire year so far, i had believed that true-blue, forever, "written in the skies" love did not exist at all. ...That there is no way two people can love each other all the time- let alone for life. And if one person can, can you trust the other will too? I don't know.
Since every relationship i've ever invested in has blown up in my face, i'm very skeptical.
I've never been a "date-around-er" until this year. And, i can't even explain to you how hard it is for me to be like that. Don't get me wrong, i don't have regrets. I've met a lot of people and made some great friends, but i'm a committed person. I would rather have 100% of one person, vs 10% of everyone.
I would say my 2009 dating experience has been more like rehab. I've learned a lot about life and myself, and what i want out of life and in a relationship, just by day-to-day experiences i've had by throwing caution to the wind and taking chances.
I've realized that in the aftermath of a broken heart, i immediately want to put up my walls and shelter myself until my prince charming comes to save me. ...But, that isn't real.
I've learned that the best way to heal your heart is to get it out there. Risk it! Literally live and learn.
I'm not saying, "Hey! Give everything to everyone!" Hah. No. When i say, "I'm in a place of dating around..." I just give people my number and hang out- give everyone a chance. People are so unpredictably surprising.
I guess i'm just saying that giving things a chance has saved my life and my heart. And i fully feel like when "the love of my life" wants my love, i can whole-heartedly, undeniably give it to him.
It's scary, intense, hard work, and a daily decision to love someone, but i do believe that love can exist. So, while i believe that, i'm very cautious approaching it. I try to not open my heart too much, but will invest in a potential relationship. Even if nothing comes of it, at least i will have given it my all. Also, believing that everything happens for a reason, leaves no place for bitter feelings, and no reason to not take that chance.
I've come to realize that, for me, this is the best way to be. ...Since i've tried every other way of handling pain (ie. hatred, slefishness, reclusiveness, numbness- having absolutely no feelings, none). Honestly, i had no feelings of sadness or joy in extreme life situations (birth and death). Ugh, i cringe at the memory of not being able to feel- or shed a single tear for something heartbreaking. Especially since, if there's one thing i've always had, it's compassion for others.
All that to say: The sheltering of your heart... Not always the best way to go.
Being cautious, i believe, is a good thing. Definitely knowing what you want, if you want anything at all, is good. And communicating who you are, and what you want, to a potential lover is extremely important. ...There's no reason to invest in a relationship if you're both going two completely different directions.
So, anyway, that's where i'm at.
I've made bad decisions.
I've been screwed over, and screwed people over, i'm sure.
I've had my heart obliterated, and broken hearts too.
I've been over-committed to others and not enough to myself to see that the relationship wasn't ever going anywhere in the first place.
I've lived. I've loved. I've learned.
I regret nothing, because i am who i am because of everything.
There you go.
I'll go ahead and address this, while i'm at it:
Some people say i shouldn't share so many heart-felt things. Like i should keep them to only share with one person, so that that person can know things about me that no one else does. And maybe they're right in thinking that. Maybe i shouldn't share. But i would rather my life be an open book for people to read and learn from, rather than a closed book untouched and noneffective to anyone for all my time here on earth. And i just can't justify passing up a chance to encourage someone through my thoughts and experiences. I also would have to say, writings from the heart are the most powerful and sincere. So, to-may-to, to-mah-to.
If i could give anyone a glimpse of advice that i am constantly giving myself, it would be this:
Free your mind.
Live openly, and live free.
Don't worry about life so much that you forget to appreciate it.
Do everything you want, and don't look back.
"...Take the power to make your own life happy."
(Sounds like a graduation speech, i know. I guess deep down i'm a cheese ball.)
And all that biological clock BS is bogus.
Never rush your life. It goes fast enough.
Best,
Leigh
Originally, when i began to gather my feelings on relationships, and love in general, i thought i was writing this for someone. A month later, i realized i had written it for myself. Crazy how people, who are randomly placed in your life, make you get your act together without even knowing it.
I want to share this in the hopes that if someone is, or may (down the line) be in a similar situation, it may comfort them to know they aren't alone.
Since January, i have been a mocker of love. Every relationship i've had has failed (so life goes), and i am in no way a relationship guru. I don't even give people relationship advice unless they beg for it, because that is definitely not my area of expertise.
I believe that love can exist between two unselfish people who genuinely want things to work out. Two people who work on improving who they are for their love, and who work on improving their love itself.
I believe that is very rare.
Not everyone wants to work at it; Hardly anyone wants to talk about problems; And there's no guarantee that even if you "give, give, give" and "try, try, try" the other person will do the same. ...They can change their minds just like they change their clothes, and it happens all the time.
For, i'd say, this entire year so far, i had believed that true-blue, forever, "written in the skies" love did not exist at all. ...That there is no way two people can love each other all the time- let alone for life. And if one person can, can you trust the other will too? I don't know.
Since every relationship i've ever invested in has blown up in my face, i'm very skeptical.
I've never been a "date-around-er" until this year. And, i can't even explain to you how hard it is for me to be like that. Don't get me wrong, i don't have regrets. I've met a lot of people and made some great friends, but i'm a committed person. I would rather have 100% of one person, vs 10% of everyone.
I would say my 2009 dating experience has been more like rehab. I've learned a lot about life and myself, and what i want out of life and in a relationship, just by day-to-day experiences i've had by throwing caution to the wind and taking chances.
I've realized that in the aftermath of a broken heart, i immediately want to put up my walls and shelter myself until my prince charming comes to save me. ...But, that isn't real.
I've learned that the best way to heal your heart is to get it out there. Risk it! Literally live and learn.
I'm not saying, "Hey! Give everything to everyone!" Hah. No. When i say, "I'm in a place of dating around..." I just give people my number and hang out- give everyone a chance. People are so unpredictably surprising.
I guess i'm just saying that giving things a chance has saved my life and my heart. And i fully feel like when "the love of my life" wants my love, i can whole-heartedly, undeniably give it to him.
It's scary, intense, hard work, and a daily decision to love someone, but i do believe that love can exist. So, while i believe that, i'm very cautious approaching it. I try to not open my heart too much, but will invest in a potential relationship. Even if nothing comes of it, at least i will have given it my all. Also, believing that everything happens for a reason, leaves no place for bitter feelings, and no reason to not take that chance.
I've come to realize that, for me, this is the best way to be. ...Since i've tried every other way of handling pain (ie. hatred, slefishness, reclusiveness, numbness- having absolutely no feelings, none). Honestly, i had no feelings of sadness or joy in extreme life situations (birth and death). Ugh, i cringe at the memory of not being able to feel- or shed a single tear for something heartbreaking. Especially since, if there's one thing i've always had, it's compassion for others.
All that to say: The sheltering of your heart... Not always the best way to go.
Being cautious, i believe, is a good thing. Definitely knowing what you want, if you want anything at all, is good. And communicating who you are, and what you want, to a potential lover is extremely important. ...There's no reason to invest in a relationship if you're both going two completely different directions.
So, anyway, that's where i'm at.
I've made bad decisions.
I've been screwed over, and screwed people over, i'm sure.
I've had my heart obliterated, and broken hearts too.
I've been over-committed to others and not enough to myself to see that the relationship wasn't ever going anywhere in the first place.
I've lived. I've loved. I've learned.
I regret nothing, because i am who i am because of everything.
There you go.
I'll go ahead and address this, while i'm at it:
Some people say i shouldn't share so many heart-felt things. Like i should keep them to only share with one person, so that that person can know things about me that no one else does. And maybe they're right in thinking that. Maybe i shouldn't share. But i would rather my life be an open book for people to read and learn from, rather than a closed book untouched and noneffective to anyone for all my time here on earth. And i just can't justify passing up a chance to encourage someone through my thoughts and experiences. I also would have to say, writings from the heart are the most powerful and sincere. So, to-may-to, to-mah-to.
If i could give anyone a glimpse of advice that i am constantly giving myself, it would be this:
Free your mind.
Live openly, and live free.
Don't worry about life so much that you forget to appreciate it.
Do everything you want, and don't look back.
"...Take the power to make your own life happy."
(Sounds like a graduation speech, i know. I guess deep down i'm a cheese ball.)
And all that biological clock BS is bogus.
Never rush your life. It goes fast enough.
Best,
Leigh
My Two Five.
(Written Feb 6, 2009)
1. I was absolutely not going to do this until i realized i may not actually know 25 things about myself. ...I may not actually know anything period. And besides, i've been tagged by someone new almost every day. Hah. So here i am. Lets discover together, shall we?
2. There are a lot of people in this world that love me. I know that more than anything because i've gotten through some horrible things, and their love is the reason i'm still here. I truly believe that.
3. There is nothing i wouldn't do for one of the people i mentioned in #2. NOTHING.
4. I'm a wimp, and i've never been in a fight, but given the right motivation, i could definitely kick some ass. Of this i am certain.
5. I trust people way to much, and too easily. It sucks, because people take advantage of that. But i like to believe that everyone is truly good at heart, and the most devastating thing i've learned in life is that some people really aren't.
6. I am me. All the time. If i try to change something about myself for even the smallest amount of time, the truth always comes back out. All the time, i am me.
7. I have loved and lost. And whoever said, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a crack-head.
8. I never have any socks. Ever. This frustrates me.
9. I'm a 97%-er. Not to be confused with a 100%-er who does everything perfect. 97% is just fine with me. (... Unless i'm doing hair, then i'm all in.)
10. I do hair, and i do not run with scissors.
11. I'm moving back to my roots mid-March. This is yet another bittersweet transition in my life. But i'm looking forward to the new start and crossing my fingers for some stability.
12. I want a dog, a jeep wrangler, and a historic house downtown. All in my name.
13. I make a lot of plans and so far, by doing so, i've learned that i should just stop making plans. They never work out. Which is fine, because i've never known what's best for me anyway. So: goals, yes! Plans, no.
14. I don't honestly know if have a favorite color, but i do like colors.
15. I like flowers. I always thought they were just a weird way to spend money (because they die) and an easy way out of a gift- which i still wouldn't want them on my birthday, but say on a random Tuesday, the gesture of beautiful flowers just to say that someone is thinking of me might be nice. Either way, i'm admitting to it now, i like flowers. I do!
16. I'm unorganized.
17. (but) I'm not messy.
18. I love music. All kinds. Except kinds that scare me. And i recently saw a drag queen singing on an acoustic set at a local eatery, i wasn't really into that either...
19. I want to do pretty much everything. Sky dive. Surf. Snorkel. Hike the grand canyon. Fly a kite. Road trip from coast to coast. Ballroom dance. You just call me, i'm in.
20. I love to catch myself in the moment. Like time freezes and i can look around and notice for a brief second that things maybe aren't so bad in the world. In that brief frozen moment i can notice a woman laughing, or myself getting along with someone whom i would have never pictured having anything in common with- it usually happens when life catches me totally by surprise. This fact will, most likely, only make sense if you've experienced it. But that happened to me twice today, and it was completely liberating. ...I'm thoroughly convinced it's one of God's many ways of speaking to me.
21. God delivers me. Always.
22. I have a family of heroes. Ask anyone.
23. In April, i will become "Auntie Leigh" --Everyone must call me that. I will answer to nothing else. Hah.
24. I appreciate proper grammar. To the point where i absolutely can't stand incorrect grammar. I mean, at least keep our plurals with plurals, and singulars with singulars.
25. I enjoy having short hair. It's true. And the stereo-type about hairstylists with short hair is false. I will not chop all of your hair off just because i don't have any. ...That is ridiculous.
(We did it. I at least know 25 things. Hah.)
1. I was absolutely not going to do this until i realized i may not actually know 25 things about myself. ...I may not actually know anything period. And besides, i've been tagged by someone new almost every day. Hah. So here i am. Lets discover together, shall we?
2. There are a lot of people in this world that love me. I know that more than anything because i've gotten through some horrible things, and their love is the reason i'm still here. I truly believe that.
3. There is nothing i wouldn't do for one of the people i mentioned in #2. NOTHING.
4. I'm a wimp, and i've never been in a fight, but given the right motivation, i could definitely kick some ass. Of this i am certain.
5. I trust people way to much, and too easily. It sucks, because people take advantage of that. But i like to believe that everyone is truly good at heart, and the most devastating thing i've learned in life is that some people really aren't.
6. I am me. All the time. If i try to change something about myself for even the smallest amount of time, the truth always comes back out. All the time, i am me.
7. I have loved and lost. And whoever said, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a crack-head.
8. I never have any socks. Ever. This frustrates me.
9. I'm a 97%-er. Not to be confused with a 100%-er who does everything perfect. 97% is just fine with me. (... Unless i'm doing hair, then i'm all in.)
10. I do hair, and i do not run with scissors.
11. I'm moving back to my roots mid-March. This is yet another bittersweet transition in my life. But i'm looking forward to the new start and crossing my fingers for some stability.
12. I want a dog, a jeep wrangler, and a historic house downtown. All in my name.
13. I make a lot of plans and so far, by doing so, i've learned that i should just stop making plans. They never work out. Which is fine, because i've never known what's best for me anyway. So: goals, yes! Plans, no.
14. I don't honestly know if have a favorite color, but i do like colors.
15. I like flowers. I always thought they were just a weird way to spend money (because they die) and an easy way out of a gift- which i still wouldn't want them on my birthday, but say on a random Tuesday, the gesture of beautiful flowers just to say that someone is thinking of me might be nice. Either way, i'm admitting to it now, i like flowers. I do!
16. I'm unorganized.
17. (but) I'm not messy.
18. I love music. All kinds. Except kinds that scare me. And i recently saw a drag queen singing on an acoustic set at a local eatery, i wasn't really into that either...
19. I want to do pretty much everything. Sky dive. Surf. Snorkel. Hike the grand canyon. Fly a kite. Road trip from coast to coast. Ballroom dance. You just call me, i'm in.
20. I love to catch myself in the moment. Like time freezes and i can look around and notice for a brief second that things maybe aren't so bad in the world. In that brief frozen moment i can notice a woman laughing, or myself getting along with someone whom i would have never pictured having anything in common with- it usually happens when life catches me totally by surprise. This fact will, most likely, only make sense if you've experienced it. But that happened to me twice today, and it was completely liberating. ...I'm thoroughly convinced it's one of God's many ways of speaking to me.
21. God delivers me. Always.
22. I have a family of heroes. Ask anyone.
23. In April, i will become "Auntie Leigh" --Everyone must call me that. I will answer to nothing else. Hah.
24. I appreciate proper grammar. To the point where i absolutely can't stand incorrect grammar. I mean, at least keep our plurals with plurals, and singulars with singulars.
25. I enjoy having short hair. It's true. And the stereo-type about hairstylists with short hair is false. I will not chop all of your hair off just because i don't have any. ...That is ridiculous.
(We did it. I at least know 25 things. Hah.)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
An Ode to Life
And perhaps that’s what life is.
It’s a conglomeration of people you knew, know, and will know.
People you loved, liked, and tried to like. Or Love, like, and still try to like.
People whose lives you’ve had the opportunity to make better, and did.
And those who made your life better simply by being in it.
…If even for a brief amount of time, you know that because of everyone you’ve known, know, or will know, you’re a different person.
Someone once told me that when you are born, your life is like a blank canvas...
That statement makes more and more sense to me with each passing day.
Life is a lot of trial and error.
A lot of ups and downs, and side to sides.
Once in a while things will happen just to remind you that everything is temporary.
Let me rephrase that: Once in a while LIFE will happen, and remind you everything is temporary.
People are going to paint all over your canvas. People you know, have known, or will know- they’re either painting, they’ve painted, or they’re being prepared to paint the hell out of your canvas. And when you are at the end of your road, when your painting is complete, you won’t even forget the person you knew for the least amount of time that painted the tiniest thing. Because it’s there. You are different because of them. They have helped to complete you.
So if by all of this, I mean to say that situations are temporary, leases are temporary, jobs are temporary, (unfortunately for us) people are temporary… Life is temporary… Then, that’s okay. Because we cherished the temporary at the current time. And it was great.
It’s a conglomeration of people you knew, know, and will know.
People you loved, liked, and tried to like. Or Love, like, and still try to like.
People whose lives you’ve had the opportunity to make better, and did.
And those who made your life better simply by being in it.
…If even for a brief amount of time, you know that because of everyone you’ve known, know, or will know, you’re a different person.
Someone once told me that when you are born, your life is like a blank canvas...
That statement makes more and more sense to me with each passing day.
Life is a lot of trial and error.
A lot of ups and downs, and side to sides.
Once in a while things will happen just to remind you that everything is temporary.
Let me rephrase that: Once in a while LIFE will happen, and remind you everything is temporary.
People are going to paint all over your canvas. People you know, have known, or will know- they’re either painting, they’ve painted, or they’re being prepared to paint the hell out of your canvas. And when you are at the end of your road, when your painting is complete, you won’t even forget the person you knew for the least amount of time that painted the tiniest thing. Because it’s there. You are different because of them. They have helped to complete you.
So if by all of this, I mean to say that situations are temporary, leases are temporary, jobs are temporary, (unfortunately for us) people are temporary… Life is temporary… Then, that’s okay. Because we cherished the temporary at the current time. And it was great.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
This is my heart... At the very center.
:In pictures taken by people i don't even know.
:And in a trip that i'm longing to take.
...You have to love when your life goes two completely different directions.
:And in a trip that i'm longing to take.
...You have to love when your life goes two completely different directions.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I'm new!
And, honestly, i'm not even sure why i made this, because no one i know has one of these.
I just like to write, and read what people have to say... So here i am.
As far as this post goes: Tonight, i have about a million things running through my head, all contradicting each other. So i will be delaying the post on account of mental health and good writing skills that would be non-existent at this time. Hah. I'm going to get some rest. Exercise tomorrow morning. Read. Have coffee. Think, think, think about life. And i'll come back (hopefully) refreshed and ready to post your socks off.
Whoever you are.
:)
I just like to write, and read what people have to say... So here i am.
As far as this post goes: Tonight, i have about a million things running through my head, all contradicting each other. So i will be delaying the post on account of mental health and good writing skills that would be non-existent at this time. Hah. I'm going to get some rest. Exercise tomorrow morning. Read. Have coffee. Think, think, think about life. And i'll come back (hopefully) refreshed and ready to post your socks off.
Whoever you are.
:)
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