Eggshell Love-Walk

(Written December 28, 2009)

Originally, when i began to gather my feelings on relationships, and love in general, i thought i was writing this for someone. A month later, i realized i had written it for myself. Crazy how people, who are randomly placed in your life, make you get your act together without even knowing it.
I want to share this in the hopes that if someone is, or may (down the line) be in a similar situation, it may comfort them to know they aren't alone.

Since January, i have been a mocker of love. Every relationship i've had has failed (so life goes), and i am in no way a relationship guru. I don't even give people relationship advice unless they beg for it, because that is definitely not my area of expertise.
I believe that love can exist between two unselfish people who genuinely want things to work out. Two people who work on improving who they are for their love, and who work on improving their love itself.
I believe that is very rare.
Not everyone wants to work at it; Hardly anyone wants to talk about problems; And there's no guarantee that even if you "give, give, give" and "try, try, try" the other person will do the same. ...They can change their minds just like they change their clothes, and it happens all the time.
For, i'd say, this entire year so far, i had believed that true-blue, forever, "written in the skies" love did not exist at all. ...That there is no way two people can love each other all the time- let alone for life. And if one person can, can you trust the other will too? I don't know.
Since every relationship i've ever invested in has blown up in my face, i'm very skeptical.
I've never been a "date-around-er" until this year. And, i can't even explain to you how hard it is for me to be like that. Don't get me wrong, i don't have regrets. I've met a lot of people and made some great friends, but i'm a committed person. I would rather have 100% of one person, vs 10% of everyone.
I would say my 2009 dating experience has been more like rehab. I've learned a lot about life and myself, and what i want out of life and in a relationship, just by day-to-day experiences i've had by throwing caution to the wind and taking chances.
I've realized that in the aftermath of a broken heart, i immediately want to put up my walls and shelter myself until my prince charming comes to save me. ...But, that isn't real.
I've learned that the best way to heal your heart is to get it out there. Risk it! Literally live and learn.
I'm not saying, "Hey! Give everything to everyone!" Hah. No. When i say, "I'm in a place of dating around..." I just give people my number and hang out- give everyone a chance. People are so unpredictably surprising.
I guess i'm just saying that giving things a chance has saved my life and my heart. And i fully feel like when "the love of my life" wants my love, i can whole-heartedly, undeniably give it to him.
It's scary, intense, hard work, and a daily decision to love someone, but i do believe that love can exist. So, while i believe that, i'm very cautious approaching it. I try to not open my heart too much, but will invest in a potential relationship. Even if nothing comes of it, at least i will have given it my all. Also, believing that everything happens for a reason, leaves no place for bitter feelings, and no reason to not take that chance.
I've come to realize that, for me, this is the best way to be. ...Since i've tried every other way of handling pain (ie. hatred, slefishness, reclusiveness, numbness- having absolutely no feelings, none). Honestly, i had no feelings of sadness or joy in extreme life situations (birth and death). Ugh, i cringe at the memory of not being able to feel- or shed a single tear for something heartbreaking. Especially since, if there's one thing i've always had, it's compassion for others.
All that to say: The sheltering of your heart... Not always the best way to go.
Being cautious, i believe, is a good thing. Definitely knowing what you want, if you want anything at all, is good. And communicating who you are, and what you want, to a potential lover is extremely important. ...There's no reason to invest in a relationship if you're both going two completely different directions.
So, anyway, that's where i'm at.
I've made bad decisions.
I've been screwed over, and screwed people over, i'm sure.
I've had my heart obliterated, and broken hearts too.
I've been over-committed to others and not enough to myself to see that the relationship wasn't ever going anywhere in the first place.
I've lived. I've loved. I've learned.
I regret nothing, because i am who i am because of everything.

There you go.

I'll go ahead and address this, while i'm at it:
Some people say i shouldn't share so many heart-felt things. Like i should keep them to only share with one person, so that that person can know things about me that no one else does. And maybe they're right in thinking that. Maybe i shouldn't share. But i would rather my life be an open book for people to read and learn from, rather than a closed book untouched and noneffective to anyone for all my time here on earth. And i just can't justify passing up a chance to encourage someone through my thoughts and experiences. I also would have to say, writings from the heart are the most powerful and sincere. So, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

If i could give anyone a glimpse of advice that i am constantly giving myself, it would be this:
Free your mind.
Live openly, and live free.
Don't worry about life so much that you forget to appreciate it.
Do everything you want, and don't look back.
"...Take the power to make your own life happy."

(Sounds like a graduation speech, i know. I guess deep down i'm a cheese ball.)

And all that biological clock BS is bogus.
Never rush your life. It goes fast enough.

Best,
Leigh